


Evan Semel's First

by AnnieTClarke



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe - Politics, Bullying, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Drama, Dysfunctional Family, Enemies to Friends, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gender Identity, High School, Homophobic Language, Humour, Intersex, LGBTQ Character of Color, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mention of Death, Mild Blood, Minor Character Death, Multi, Original Character(s), Other, POV Character of Color, Peer Pressure, Revolution, School Life, Self Confidence Issues, Sexist Language, Strong Female Characters, Trans Character, dark themes, gender fluid, mature themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-16 06:04:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5816965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieTClarke/pseuds/AnnieTClarke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No matter how life persists at contradicting him, Evan Semel adamantly believes he is an average teenager. </p><p>He puts his pants on one leg at a time, and struggles, like every adolescent male, to find a good stop to hide his stash of tampons.<br/>Or maybe not. Because Even Semel's life is a little more complicated, and the first problem lies with whether 'he' can really be considered, well, just that , a 'He'. </p><p>And that's just the First.</p><p>*Or the one where Evan Semel doesn't know what he is, until a bright eyed boy and a brown haired devil makes him want to be everything and nothing all at once. And Edward's there, but then again he always has been</p><p>****</p><p>"First. The term signified a beginning, a fresh start in some respects, a new experience, and unfamiliarity. Simultaneously 'first' implies a continuation, leading to a 'second' or 'third' and so on. </p><p>Here lies a condensation of all my firsts, my lasts, and the bloody therebetween."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> My names Annie, very nice to meet you! 
> 
> I'm just testing waters on this, I'm very new to it. But one day I want to be a published author.
> 
> Anyway just a bit of a disclaimer? Call it that, and a few trigger warnings just in case.
> 
> -Let me get it out the way that this story will not have detailed smut. Or any smut at all for the most part. I'm very sorry. Hopefully you'll stay for the plot though. (Please stay for the plot)
> 
> -This story will feature sexist comments and maybe some homophobic slurs made by some characters, I do not support this, but its to get a point across so bare with it for now.
> 
> -Dark Themes such as infidelity, death, drug abuse etc.
> 
> -I'm bad at author notes okay :(

First. The term signified a beginning, a fresh start in some respects, a new experience, and unfamiliarity. Simultaneously 'first' implies a continuation, leading to a 'second' or 'third' and so on. I remember many of my 'firsts'.

I was three years old, while my mother attended to household duties and my father pretended to look after me, I journeyed out onto the streets to concur my first adventure. Consequently I suffered an attack from the fierce fire breathing beast known as my neighbor's mongrel, a worthy opponent, my battle scars remain to this day. Among the constellations of memories I harbor in my mind, this particular cluster of barely recognizable blurs and red patches stands out as my first acquaintance with blood, my mother used to be bent on convincing me I shouldn't remember this and these were just images my mind constructed from the stories she had told me, but the lucidity of the sirens that sounded in my head at the mere mention of this event proved otherwise.

I was reacquainted with the hemoglobin filled liquid three years later. Father pretended to teach me how to ride a bicycle in front of Mrs Diana Green's house while her husband wasn't home. He let go of my bike in frustration after my multiple failed attempts at staying balanced. The bicycle accelerated momentarily before my lack of stability pushed me off of my temporary pivot. I toppled over, sustaining minor injuries from the collision, a sprained ankle and several deep cuts and scrapes. The commotion was enough to terrify Mrs Green; she rushed outside and offered assistance as my father feigned desperation and concern over my condition. She invited us inside to help and father agreed something even my young mind found suspicious as we lived three houses down the street. While inside I remember the burn of my bruises as I was forced to attend to them myself, as my father pretended I was old enough to know how to properly dress a wound, speaking of me so highly one would assume I was a six year old with a medical degree. Cotton pressed against my leg insufficiently collecting the crimson droplets as they drizzled down my skin. As for my father, he and Mrs Green pretended I couldn't see them and I pretended I didn't know what they were doing.

I could recall each time I bled because it could be easily associated with multiple unpleasant memories. Around the time I was changing teeth, my mother was forced to work long night hours to support my able bodied father, who refused to work, and I. I remember how with each baby tooth lost, the metallic ruby substance slowly oozed out of my mouth like basilisk lava protrudes from a volcano, each experience could be recalled with startling accuracy, my first incisors fell out at school the same day father picked me up with Ms Cole, a lady I remember worked with him. I did not know her first name, so I nicknamed her Jezabel. She was sitting triumphantly in the front seat as if it weren't a throne that did not belong to her and as if her royalty wasn't unquestionably temporary. Later that night I was sent off to my room despite my protests of oral pain.

The night my canine tooth forcefully detached from my gum and I had to stifle my tears into my pillow as the bedpost in the room opposite mine slammed repetitively into the wall. I could remember how the blood and tears stained my pillowcase, the thick metallic taste it left in my mouth. That night was my coming of age. In the morning my father would pretend to care by asking about my tooth, to which I downplayed the pain so mommy wouldn't worry. He pretended to love her, while she pretended the house didn't smell different every night she came home and I played oblivious.

The most concrete memory, however, accompanies the feel of the deep red plasma cascading down my forehead, oddly warm and soothingly compared to circumstances it implied. I walked in on my father during one of his sessions while I was in preparatory school, he was furious and the woman obviously mortified, he shoved me out the doorway into patio so aggressively I fell violently into the timbering. A wound opened just above my temple, the deepest one so far. I stained the floor until the blood clot itself, accustomed heretofore. I stayed there the rest of the night until the familiar looking woman I didn't bother learning the name of spurred past me pretending she didn't see me and my father left the door open. We pretended nothing happened. That was the first time he got physical with me.

Remember what I said about 'firsts'?


	2. 1st.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lets Jump right in shall we?

I wasn't praised for many things. My so called nonchalant attitude and sarcastic dialogue often didn't attract many compliments. But if there was one thing I received continuous commendation for, it was my ability to be up, dressed and ready for school before all of the boys on our dorms even got their morning wood.

The first morning back at Babel Academy started no different from my last four years. I awoke at 2:45 a.m. a little early, and with barely five hours of sleep but I didn't mind. I quietly gathered my belongings, hopefully not bothering my roommates. I gathered the necessaries, boxers, my toothbrush, toothpaste, towels, body wash, a razor, because unlike the rest of the males on my dorm I absolutely despise stubble, and last and most importantly, a tampon from the stash I hide in a hole under my mattress. Obviously Mother Nature or God or Aliens or Morgan Freeman...whatever was up there, had some personal beef against me.

I strolled down the eerie dorm hallways without an ounce of reluctance. The boys back in the dorm wonder how I do it, saying that the hallways made them feel uneasy past 9 in the evening. They can't be blamed too much to be honest, we lived on a school built on a former plantation, a school built on the graves of our ancestors two hundred and eight years ago.

Admittedly it had taken a while for me to get used to the uncanny passage, the unearthly sounds the floorboard made, and the frighteningly chilling gust of wind coming from Lord knows where, but I got used to it after the first semester. In fact, if there were any nearly headless apparitions haunting the building, I'm sure we'd be best friends by now.

Turning right at the end of the left wing on our side of the boy's dormitory I made my way into the 7th shower on the left, the most secure, sturdy, and least used. Apparently because the males at this school are too lazy to even walk to the left side of the building, trust me I've noticed. I notice everything.

On the first day of school two years ago I noticed how the sophomores we shared the community showers with wore their boxers into the showers for fear of showing their privates and being dubbed gay for subjecting others to seeing them. I followed them obviously having no intention of outing myself. I noticed how close boys got over short periods of time, forming squads after bonding over games of football, and how as soon as we entered the main campus, where the girls were, they walked in smaller groups and touched each other significantly less, showed less compassion, talked louder and acted more 'tough'. I could tell by the way the girls scrunched their powdered noses, delicately raised their well-groomed eyebrows and frowned their lips, glossed in a multitude of stupidly named fruity flavors, that it did nothing to impress them.

I placed my valuables on the counter closest and began my daily cleaning ritual, ignoring the blood that lingered on my leg before being washed away. As I finished, I hear the shower in the stall opposite mine start, well, this was a first. Moments later I nervously left my shower, checking if my belongings had been tampered with. Fortunately nothing had been put out of place. I carried on my morning routine and was in the middle of evicting a family of stubble from their lot on my chin when the shower ceased and a young lad, obviously a freshman, stepped out of the shower in...nothing...

He briefly looked me in the eyes before averting his gaze, turning toward the counter opposite mine, and drying off his slender boyish limbs before wrapping his towel around his...hair, of all places. I snapped my neck around as he made a move in my direction and I realized, face gradually heating, that I'd been staring.

Against my better judgement, I watched him in the reflection of the mirror hanging in front of me; his features were so...exotic... He removed the towel from his head and slung it over his shoulder. His complexion was significantly lighter than most of us, his creamy ivory skin was virtually unblemished, a light buttery shine covered his entire body, only interrupted by patches of a deep feathered blush mainly situated on his cheeks. His hair too was unique; while the majority of boys had clumps of uncombed curls his toffee hued locks glowed under the dim fluorescent light bulb, his eyes were...grey? I couldn't tell, I turned my attention to my own reflection.

My leathery hair cascaded in damp curls around my freckle painted oval face, the dark spots littered my cheeks like drops of chocolate in caramel, at least, that is what my mother would tell me when I complained about having fathers features. Starless obsidian eyes stared back at me as I focused more on my reflection, my thick eyebrows weaving together as I frowned at the feature I loathed the most, the thick lips I also inherited from father, my frown only went deeper as I realized I was losing my baby fat, I guess I definitely cannot pass as a girl anymore.

I turned back to further compare my features to the supposed alien standing behind me, only to see his head already half turned towards me. His eyes widened momentarily before he turned to wash his face...still naked I notice.

"Why are you staring at me?" said a slightly muffled voice coming from the towel commando boy held to his face.

"Who me?" I asked stupidly, embarrassed for obvious reasons, looking anywhere but his grey/maybe blue eyes, which I found out a few seconds later was a bad idea.

"Who else is in here?" He tried to roll his eyes and blushed, covering his face with his towel apparently regretting his words, but of all places to hide his embarrassment.

"The floating teenage girl that haunts the boys' bathroom." I replied halfheartedly, sighing deeply I turned around and continued before he could respond. "I wasn't staring."

"Just like you can see my reflection in the mirror, I can see you too, you know..." He pronounced each word slowly, peeking from behind his cotton shield.

"Cover up." I heard myself say.

"Was that why you were staring at me?" He tried to cover himself with his tiny hand, the other still hiding half his face in the towel; I'm beginning to question his reasoning ability.

"No I was watching you for fear you'd poke my eye out, waving yourself around." I rolled my eyes sarcastically as I turned away from him

"Really?" He gasped looking utterly terrified.

"No, of course not," I defended, half trying to calm him down

"I'm just not used to any other students being up this early, I'm always the first and only one down here so I was surprised when I saw you". Well, it wasn't a lie.

"Oh." was his only reply as he removed the fabric from his face.

"Yeah, now cover up before someone sees you," I'm packing now, ready to leave as he lazily covers his lower half, finally. As I pull on my pajama pants to head back to my room I look over my shoulder at him "Oh, by the way, you don't have to be so early in the mornings, everyone else gets up at 5 anyway.

There's a long pause before a quickly "I know." was his only reply, as he started organizing his things as well. But he seems so flushed I can't help but think he did not.

"Just giving you a heads up in case you got tricked or something, as I said, I'm normally the only one up this early." these are my parting words, as I turn to leave.

I'm not sure if he intended for me to hear him say "Well now you're not." as I left.

...Whatever that means.

***

Illegal.

"...the weakest sector in our country's economy is tourism.."

That was the only way my histrionic adolescent mind could describe this injustice.

"...As a small society, only roughly 16,500 square kilometers in size, we lack the crucial natural resources necessary for trade, as a result our economy focuses on manufacturing and human resources..."

Surely The Universal Declaration of Human Rights listed some rule against forcing students to actually learn on the first day, seniors be damned.

"...but as a result of our...strict, I'll use that for want of a better word, due to our strict unwavering resolve to uphold certain principles we have been ostracized by a number of neighboring countries.. "

Thick silence abounded the classroom, cut only by the slow, monotonous drawl of Mr. Pattinson, who was, unfortunately, our Social Studies teacher. The air was so incredibly quiet that I could vaguely audibly discern the thump of my own heart; weak, uneven and slow, as if it too were bored by Mr Pattinson's lecture.

Forcing myself to pay attention, I raise my already fluttering charcoal eyes willing them to stay focused on Sir's face.

His white hair strikingly contrasts his dark, aged skin. Wrinkled lines run across his features, punctuated by multiple dot-like moles. His mouth appeared to move absentmindedly, as if the words flew out on autopilot as the cockpit of his mind dwelled elsewhere, a skill I can only assume to be gained from years of teaching. He sat front and center, facing the class from behind his desk, as his eyes, embodying lifelessness flickered from student to student.

I was barely sure of the topic of our discussion.

"...But as a nation of morals we refused to be swayed simply because heads of other states think the silent treatment is a diplomatic means to stir us in acceptance of their slackness, we are a God fearing nation an-"

And incredulous huff swept the aforementioned silence straight out of the room. Suddenly students who had previously been gazing at trees outside, posters on classroom walls and even nothingness straighten up, three times as interested in the happening of their immediate environment. I quickly glanced at Mr. Pattinson, noticing the significant change in his demeanor, his messy silvery brows were raised, his eyes shone with a glint of competitiveness, as if he had been waiting for a student to provoke his class. I followed his line of sight to the apparent perpetrator.

"You there, back row, glasses. You seem to have something to say."

The student tentatively rose. We always stood when addressing our teachers. His nutmeg complexion beclouded by the umbra of the poorly lit end of the room. His fuzzy, thin golden hair twinkled like brown sugar in the sun, caught up in, still, the most masculine ponytail I have ever seen. I took a second to admire his seemly pottered features, sharp smooth jawline leading the path to a dimpled chin that sat at the base of pursed thin lips. He adjusted his spectacles, gliding them up the slope of his crooked nose before bracing against his eyelids, protecting his eyes of hazel stirred with emerald like a greenhouse over a dark forest. It was no wonder he held his reputation.

"Tell us your name boy?" Sir asked, more for himself than the class considering each student knew more than enough about the lad in question.

"Damion," the gravel in his velvety voice implied that he might have been asleep not too long ago, by the way Mr Patterson glared I could tell he noticed. Damion cleared his throat.

"My name is Damion Shaw, sir." He answered again so smoothly it most likely turned the pipes on in a few female students' undergarments.

"Shaw, you seem to disagree with my lesson, clear to explain why?"

Damion did not answer instead he simply narrowed his eyes at the man addressing him. Mr Pattinson stood then, chunky figure moving from post and strolled between the first rows of the class.

"Alright. Answer this. A great philosopher died over 190 years ago. Their work revolved around Sociology, Human Ecology and Human Consciousness. In the salvaged remains of their last wor-"

"She stated that, 'Mankind searches for peace in vain as long as we possess a grain of a surplus of power. We will only learn to accept one another when we become a minority. Only see Eye to Eye from the same level of poverty. Only learn to accept when not accepted, only learn to hear when deafened."

Mr Pattinson raised an irritated eyebrow. Damion Shrugged uncaring.

"It's a well know quote." He defended.

"Two interruptions in a day, Shaw? On a roll I see. Let me continue. This quote is held in high esteems as the formula for human cooperation and the intellectual version for the 'walk a mile in someone else's shoes' proverb. Wouldn't you say it's the same for our country? So sparsely populated and globally and diplomatically ignored simply because we uphold value and righteousness when these larger, more stable economized countries have not lived a day in our lives and seen our reasons for believing?"

"With all due respect sir that is absolute bullshit."

All the students who had previously been hanging on every word of the debate unfolding before them reacted as if they had been slapped across the face, gasping in choir. The room was so saturated in tension that I felt the hair on my forearm erect. Whispers crossed the classroom in an organized frenzy as Sir waited for the excitement to die down before replying.

"Elaborate." He simply commanded. He was obviously enraged, a fact Damion seemingly missed, continuing in nonchalance.

"We live in a country whose past was plagued by disease to the point where other nations had to come in and help us, fund us, feed us, vaccine us, and procreate so our nationality wouldn't die out. You would think we know about being in the minority. Decades have passed, we advanced, all the help benefited us and made the country so arrogant it upholds make believe morals as an excuse to oppress another minority out of selfishness. It's no wonder they don't want to trade with us. We're a nation of bigots."

By the end of the rant Mr Pattinson's face was faint red with anger. The newly formed class choir held its breath in preparation for the inevitable crescendo of the discussion as our teachers voice thundered through the classroom.

"We are a minority race! A minority race so diluted we have no identifying features! Our main goals are our youth. Education. It is our duty to breed! Man and Woman breed not man and man! We won't ever accept that!"

Sir panted, calming himself after noticing how rigidly we sat in our chairs and how nervously we glanced from them to the clock. The bell rang but no one dared speak. Mr Pattinson continued after regaining self-control.

"We are working on passing the torch to our youth. We cannot pass a torch if there are no youth to begin with."

"You act like there isn't obvious hypocrisy. Like the fact that there are hundreds of orphans ignored by the state, out the fact that you conveniently left out women loving women. Was it to spare our dear Class Prefect-I mean Perfect? Sorry."

A slow smug smirk drew on his face as his eyes traveled to a petite girl sitting directly in front of Mr Patterson's desk. A mess of long slate hair swayed and rose as I inhaled deeply realizing that he had been referencing. Lily-Ann; easily the most beautiful human being I have ever had the pleasure of staring at from across a building.

A light blush dusted her tan, flustered cheeks. She blinked, long lashes fluttering against long even bangs while obsidian eyes darkened with poorly concealed rage. Her tiny nose was scrunched in disgust and her plump pink glossed lips curved in the wrong direction, into a frown on her chubby circular face.

Some found her plain and her dominating personality irritating but I was drawn in like an anchor-less ship drifting in the heavy ocean currents.

"Implying that I'm a lesbian Shaw?" Her already small eyes thinned in distaste as the locked with Damion's.

"I'm stating fact. Everyone and their mothers know you're a lesbian. When a male from this school has a questionable sexuality he's expelled, never heard from. Not with you though, honor student, Miss Babel High, Club President the perfect student that they don't want to get rid of!"

"How are we sure you're not the homosexual here trying to cover it up?"Lily retorted weakly.

No one would believe that, though. Damion was known as the guy that probably had sex with your girlfriend while you weren't looking. And your sister. In fact he was probably your real father. Rumour has it that if you don't hold onto her well enough he'd be in her womb before you could tie your shoelace and that if she agrees to date you there are only two reasons why, either she has already slept with him, or she hasn't...yet.

Needless to say or school paints colourful rumours.

"That's enough you two. You there!" My head snapped up as I faced Sir, looking from left to right nervously hoping he wasn't beckoning to me. "Yes you curls stop looking around like you're lost."

I stood, trying to swallow my nervousness as twenty-four pairs of eyes focused on me, more importantly; Lily Yuki looked at me for the first time despite me being her classmate for three years. I could swear she gave me a once over.

"Name?"

"Eve-ugh-Evan Semel, sir." I stuttered as the elderly man grimaced at my expense.

"Alright Semel. You play mediator now. I don't want to seem biased. I noticed you were closely paying attention this whole argument. Tell me. Who was wrong here?"

'You' I wanted so deeply to say, but as I watched the sadistic smirk cross my professors face, as I saw the long-term object of gaze at me expectantly and as I felt pressed down by the weight of two dozen gazes I felt transfixed. I had to lie. For impressionism, and to hide my own secret. I had to lie, somehow. I made on glance at Damion's stoic expectant face before turning to our teacher.

"I-I think Damion's in the wrong. He started this episode. He was the one who interrupted and he was the one who baited and harassed Lily-Ann."

Lying by omission was fair enough. I turned my neck now to look at Damion for the finishing act, trying my best to look annoyed.

"He seems to have issues with dipping himself in everyone-I mean everything. Sorry."

I only got a glare in return as the class snickered and the former tension died down. Truthfully, that last line was admittedly uncalled for, but considering he may or may not have had sex with Lily by now. I found it fair play. Can't be too safe, eh?

"Well you heard it there."

Mr Pattinson announced from behind his desk, now looking at the register. "Damion Slaine Zoldyck, meet me at detention after class. The rest of you answer to your names before leaving."

"Lily-Ann Yuki"

"Jonathan Samuel Andrews"

"Mara Ria Challa"

"Mika Coeur Durer..."

Having a name so far down the class list was immensely annoying, I tuned out momentarily reminiscing on today's surreal events.

"...Edward James Williams"

"Evan Justin Semel"

After my name was called I quickly gathered my things, not bothering to pack my books and pen in my backpack, opting to hold them in my hands to save time. I then lay waited in the hallway. My target exited just a few moments after me, before turning in the direction of the detention rooms.

"Hey, man sorry about that." I said running up to him, barely catching pace to his long strides. He eyed me from the corner of his lids, 'pissed off' written in bold across his features.

"I didn't really mean it, you were right. Not fully but to some extent, I just didn't want any trouble with the teacher alright?"

He stopped suddenly a stormy sea staring deeply into my eyes. Now that I think about it, isn't this our first encounter I wonder if I should properly introduce myself, or maybe-

"Then you're even more pathetic than the sheep who kept their mouth shut. And you don't even deserve the respect of that she-wolf that keeps you brainless livestock in line for the shepherd."

His words cut deep; like the first strike of a butcher.

"Just don't scream when you're slaughtered you spineless piece of shit." He spat before stomping off. I looked around hoping no one over heard that only to be shattered by the realization that I few meters back stood Lily, she glanced at me with an expressionlessly before slowly walking passed me. Not looking back, I ran down the opposite direction of the hallway, overflowing with embarrassment.

Of course, as even more proof that whatever deity that existed was definitely not on my side today, I ran into someone. I ran into someone in an empty hallway. 

We both fell with a loud 'ouff' belongings mixing together scattered on the ground. Muttering an apology under my breath I gathered my books together speedily before bolting off insidiously, never making eye contact.

I didn't even take notice of who I slammed in to. Boy or girl I did not care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn those communal bathrooms..damn those classes.


	3. 2nd.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks and a Beetles reference.

It all happens so instantaneously. One moment I'm floating along a cloud of unconscious bliss, wrapped up in the warmth and blasé that accompanies an apparent dreamless slumber. Then suddenly the cloud evaporates, the air tightens in my lungs as all the warmth of my body collects itself in a single area of my chest. I'm falling then, as violently and recklessly as a drop precipitation in a tropical hurricane.

Then follows the anticlimactic huff and puff of air as I flutter around my sheets. I can't remember the last time I had a hypnic jerk. Or rather I'd like not to remember. Oddly though, I can remember the first time;

My then tiny body wiggled around under marshmallow pink blankets as my head poked out from under my pillow, the sudden jerk had startled me. I turned on my left side only to see a petite figure, cloaked in velvety black hair that seamlessly blended into the darkness of the room.

"Mommy?"

"I'm sorry dearest did I wake you?" She smiled sweetly at me as she slid under the covers and I cuddled into her warmth as soon as she settled in bed.

"Mommy...what are you doing in my room? You're supposed to sleep in fathers." Though he smile didn't waver, her jet black eyes lost some amount of light.

"Did you have a nightmare dearest?" A mischievous smile graced her soft features as the only warning to my impending doom. Then she attacked, tickling me mercilessly as my childish giggles bounced off the board walls. "You were wiggling around like a worm when I walked in." She continued as the attack stopped and I calmed down.

"Not a nightmare...uhm..." I pondered, buying the bait. "I felt like I fell of the bed. It was scary." It was amazing how easily distracted my seven year old mind could be.

"Ahhh, a hypnic jerk then" See replied as if it were completely obvious.

"But I never hiccuped..." I could practically see the question marks flying around my own head.

"No darling, I said hyp-nic." She giggled, I frowned.

"What about my hip n' neck?"

I could vaguely recognize black pearls disappearing, replaced momentarily by white as she did a playful exaggerated eye roll that made me laugh loudly.

"You just had a sleep start dear, nothing to worry about, it's normal for children your age." Mommy smiled and pushed a stray curl behind my ear. "Now go to bed, sweetheart."

"But mommy why did my sleep start?"

"It's just like twitch. Sometimes when you're very sleepy you fall asleep so fast that your body things you're falling and panics." She dragged out every other word in a whisper of an enthusiastic tone. "They're very common though, plus it can happen if you dream you're falling too, did that happen?"

"No." I lied, ignoring the vivid imagery flashing across my eyes, the earth tilting and the sounds of bicycle wheels and bells crashing into grass.

"Oh, well let's see if we can get you to sleep then." She pulled me towards he bosom, wrapping her arms around me and again, enveloping in her warmth. Mother smelt of violets and cheap woman's perfume and the laundry detergent she washed absolutely everything in, but somehow all I could smell at that moment where traces of iron, blood.

"Mommy can I tell that to father tomorrow?" I whispered, like a secret.

"Hmm? Why?" She spoke into my hair, turning her head to look at my face but I hid it shyly in the crook of her neck.

" 'Cuz father likes me more when I talk smart.."

"What do you mean honey, your daddy loves you always" She sounded so concerned, so hurt. I couldn't tell her I didn't believe her, couldn't tell her father couldn't possibly love either of us.

"I..I know, but like when I say smart things he smiles, like when I watch denise with him."

"The news you mean.."

"Yup, that!"

She frowned then, I could feel the movement against my hair. "But Eve I still don't understand why you think your daddy would only like you more if you did that, your daddy likes you even when you're not a good girl. It's what Mommies and Daddies do"

"No but I have proof!"

"Do tell" She sounded skeptical.

"One evening we were driving home with Mr Williams and Eddy, right"

"Mhm." Skeptical and concerned maybe. Though her hand encouragingly ran circles around the center or my back, edging me to continue.

"And Eddy was scared because he said the moon was following us"

"That poor child" She let out a breathy snicker as she shifted momentarily before settling again, so I continued.

"Yeah, so then he started crying but his daddy was driving so he couldn't shush him"

"Oh no." Ironically I could feel the laughter in her voice as the tension melted.

"So shouted at him! I told him that the moons in space and was too busy following the earth so it can't follow us and that he should shut up! Then daddy laughed and pat me on the head!"

"Wasn't that mean? Don't you like Eddie?" Concerned obviously, she placed her small, rough textured hands to tilt my face upwards to meet her gaze.

"Yes..." I gulped, "I like-like Eddie, is he going to not like-like me now? I didn't mean to be mean, father said it was comidial"

"Comical, you mean. Well I don't know about that but Eddie really like-likes you then that won't stop him," Her laugh was choked by a yawn. "But dear why do you like Eddie?" She asked sleepily.

I pondered for a moment before replying, "Because Father likes him, and he's my best friend and his daddy is father's best friend."

"Oh...you don't like him because he's nice or pretty?"

I frowned "Father said only girls can be pretty"

A smile softly graced her features. "Anyone can be pretty Eve, do you think he's pretty?"

"Eddy looks like a baby, all the boys at school look like babies"

"Do you mean they're cute?"

"Yeah! The only person in my school that's really pretty is Tiffany, she's supper pretty! He's the strongest girl I've ever met. She plays football better than all the boys too. And her hairs always up and her eyes match my grey crayons! I checked"

"Do you like-like her?"

I looked up at her then, with pre-teen curiosity "Father said I can only like boys"

She smiled wider, pearly teeth glistening in the moonlight that softly caressed her features. She looked like glass, so fragile and frail. Then she spoke with so much warmth I felt all the love in the world collect in my body. "Eve you can love anyone you want." Her face was the personification of honestly and emotion.

So I smiled, so broad my face felt as if it would split in two. I couldn't reply to that, nothing in my young mind or heart could adequately express how much that statement meant to me or would mean to me. I think even at that age I knew, so I just relaxed against her body instead, energy drained and ready for bed.

"Just one more thing Eve, What did Eddie do when you told him to shut up?"

"He cried harder."

***

It only to a while before I got used to this millisecond long rush of falling in and out of sleep.

I was barely awake six hours later when father blasted into our room, shouting at the top of his voice for his breakfast. I barely heard the words he said, or felt the bed rise and fall beside me as mother begged him to calm down. I do remember, however, the frighteningly cold sensation I'd feel every night before I feel asleep, and how that feeling was later followed by warmed as my mother would sneak in the sleep in my room some nights.

I could always tell when she would sleep over, on nights where father just wasn't home and showed no signs of returning, or nights that he did return but was so consumed with alcohol that she would retreat to my room like it was a bomb shelter and lock the door behind her. I could likewise tell the nights that she wouldn't, the nights that he brought fresh pastries; lord knows where he got the money to buy those. The nights he'd stay for dinner and compliment her on her amazing cooking skills, the nights we would sit together as a 'family' I in mothers lap, and her in term on his. He'd be gentle with her, scattering dark kisses on her cheek and neck. All before sending me to bed early, mother giggling like a nineteen year old with her first boyfriend.

After then I would get used to it. It was a pattern, nights when I was left alone I would experience one hypnic jerk before falling asleep, whereas on nights mother would join me I'd have a second start just as the bed lowered while she climbed in, as if the sudden motion startled me.

In fact I was used to it that soon enough my body wouldn't even spasm as it once did. And maybe that wasn't for the worst, because maybe, if I hadn't been so used to the specter of falling and the impression it left on my body I would have realized that I was in fact falling, in real life even before my face collided with dirt and grass.  
***

"What the f-!" I almost shouted before spitting out a mouthful of bitter grass and rock minerals and...was that a beetle?!

"Watch your language Ev, don't want the class prefect to hear you now, would probably get a detention." Jonathan Andrews smirked down at me with the gap in his teeth fully visible and his long muscle arm extended and feigning innocents in his honey brown eyes. From his proximity I could easily tell he must have been the one to push me off the bench. So I decided then and there that I hated Jonathan Andrews.

"I hate you, Jonathan." So told him, getting up on my own and removing Ringo from my mouth. I was brushing off my burgundy uniform trousers before noticing that the area I had escaped to in hopes of getting a quiet lunch break had now become far more populated.

"Oi." I called lazily as I sat upright at the brown picnic table, addressing my friends, or associates, or whatever they think of me as.

"Hey" Joseph called back lazily, black hair styled in a...quiff I think they call it, small smile on his pink lips as his almond eyes looked out into seemingly nowhere. The sun shone against his tan skin so nicely. I always liked Jo, so quiet, never once pushed me off a bench in mid-day, Jo is my new second favourite.

Pete and Perez simultaneously flicked their eyes to me while simultaneously giving me the 'sup nod' before Pete's eyes drifted back to his book and Perez's eyes wondered about. A strange set of twins they were. So alike yet so vastly different. Pete with his mahogany brown skin and Perez with his light completion, golden in some areas after hours of football in the sun, Pete with his buzz cut deep brown hair as opposed to Perez who grew his out and processed it to style his locks like the other boys, and Pete with his face completely hairless while Perez grew out his beard. 

Still their eyes where the same, their laughs the same, somehow they managed to look exactly the same.

Jonathon sat beside me then, hand running through the mop of hair sitting atop his half long, half buzz-cut half Mohawk styled hair.

"So Ev, what where you doing out here by yourself" Pete said after everyone settled a bit, never looking from his book. "Yeah, S' not like you're stressed or anything, only the third day, man" Jonathon followed up, amusement in his tone.

"You'd be surprised Pete," I made sure to look unflinchingly at him, even if he wasn't looking back. "Pattinson's out for blood this season. We got like three essays." I wasn't going to tell them the real reason I made a makeshift bed out of a bench was due to my inability to explain to the nurse why a seventeen year old male was having stomach pains.

"Oh come on Eve, you're not mad at me are ya'?" Jon laughed

"The broomstick is talking to me, holy shit."

"Broomstick? Bro' what?" This time Perez spoke.

"He's a broom, 'cuz he's long and skinny and he's got that ridiculous haircut." I replied simply.

There was a short pause before Jon and Pete started laughing, "What are you laughing at, that wasn't even funny." Perez protested, needless to say he doesn't like me very much.

"No worries Pez, your broomsticks coming along quite nicely, soon you'll be able to do a swifter cut like Jon here."

"That's not funny Evan, I bet Joseph agrees with me, he's not laughing either." I shrugged, and then turned my attention to address Jo.

"You offended too, Chen?" I asked nonchalantly, The olive skinned lad in question just looked at me once, turned his head slightly and questioned "Huh?". Only look in his line of sight showed me that he was staring down a group of girls behind us. "Never mind big guy, never mind" I sighed, as Jon chuckled while Perez mumbled "Such an asshole" under his breath.

I heard someone hiss their teeth in disgust then. When I looked up, I realized it was Perez, rolling his eyes at something behind me, when I looked the sight nearly knocked the wind out of my lungs. Lily was walking towards us, long hair blowing in the wind, sun shining down on her like a spotlight on the world stage. She strut over to us with so much confidence in her domineer, so much grace, so much beauty...lord I need so much help.

She stood with her hands on her hips, shoulders and chin held high, at the head of our table. Or her table, by the way she was looking over us you'd think this was her table. Does she want the table? I'd give her the table if she wanted it. We could raise a table together.

Her eyes flickered over me before they traveled to her right. "Joseph, right?" She asked.

"Uhm, Yeah."

"What do you want Lily-Ann?" Jonathan spoke beside me sounding exasperated already.

"See those girls over there," Lily spoke only to Jo, completely casting Jonathon aside. "They called me over saying you were making them uncomfortable."

"What the hell? He's been here all this time!" Perez spoke up, causing Pete to finally dig his head out of his book and pay attention.

"They said you were staring at them for a while, said it made the feel uneasy, they also said you've done it quite a bit. Just a warning but cut it out, yeah? It's creepy."

"Oh, tell them sorry then, didn't mean to be a creep, it's just," A faint blush was now rising on his cheeks "It's just one of them-"

"What the hell! This is so unnecessary, how does looking at them count as anything! How did you even get prefect!?" Jonathon wailed at the top of his voice before shoving his head in his hands.

"This is just some petty girl thing, they're probably self-conscious, can't give him a detention for that!" Perez said, shaking his head with his arms folded.

"No guys it's alright I probably was being a li-"

"No, she's being a bitch Jo, stand of for yourself dammit, she can't give you detention for that!"

"I can't. But that right there, that's worth a detention. Next Monday when study hall starts, right after that session meet me in the detention room. I'll have a teacher waiting for you. All of you." Her eyes flickered over each of us.

"You've got to be kidding me I didn't even talk!" Pete ran his hand over his head in frustration, the rest of us speechless.

"I don't care, maybe that'll teach you to have respect for authority." Lily stormed off then, back straight, and strides unwavering.

"I can't believe this shit." Perez finally spoke after a moment of silence. "I can't believe this she-devil's probably going to be our student council president."

"We need a male representative, but who?" Jonathon contributed.

"But don't we always have male reps?" I questioned, Joseph nodded in agreement.

"So what, Semel? Men are better in authority positions anyway. Women can't control their emotions." Okay, now Perez is pissing me off.

"And why's that, Gilmour?" My eyes narrowed as my body tensed, Joseph looked visibly headed as well.

"Yeah my mother's a woman what are you trying to say?"And wow. Good job Jo. A-Class back up.

"Come on guys, you know they bleed every month, and PMS, she's probably doing that right now that's why she's so pissy."

"Bro, you're going too far here." Jonathon joined the debate as Pete went back to his literature.

"Are you serious? That's a bullshit justification." I retorted.

"Don't go off on me Evan, I bet a woman couldn't even sit and have a discussion 'bout this without exploding. Probably start crying and screaming or what-not. That's why we need male reps, in control of their emotions. Even you could run for student council and do a better job." He tried ease out of the heat, knowing this wasn't going anywhere, just shook it off. Joseph went quite, and Jonathon went looking somewhere to his left, no one meeting Perez's gaze.

"I think we do have a male rep, Damion's our best bet" Jonathon after watching Damion Shaw cross the compound to socialize with a group of sophomore girls.

"Shaw? He's my hero! Heard he lost his virginity at eight, damn savage."

There's this feeling after embarrassment, after we tell a joke no one laughs at, or when we fall in a crowded area. It's a nauseous feeling that brews at the pit of our stomachs, it drives us to say 'No, that wasn't really me, I can do better, I can be better'. It makes us want to prove ourselves. I blame that feeling for my next stream of actions.

"Anyways guys I gonna go now, got stuff to do."

"What stuff? Sleeping? Why were you doing that out here anyways we get enough 'cuz of stupid curfew" Jonathon spoke up, eyeing me suspiciously.

"I just needed a nap, can't a man nap?" Oh, and also I wake up at 12:30 now so I don't have to run into that young flawless ivory skinned exhibist I saw a few nights ago, but you don't need to know about that.

"You can't leave, man." Perez protested.

"Why not, man?"

"'Cuz then there'd be four of us! Four! That's almost as bad as two, think Ev."

"You know what, I'm going to leave too, gonna find those girls and apologize, I kinda feel bad." Joseph stepped in, what a life saver; no wonder he's second favourite.

"See, now you don't have to be an even number, now bye." I waved them off.

"I forgot to tell you Ev but Ed's looking for you." Pete called out before I got too far. I nodded heading the direction I think Damion walked towards a few minutes ago. A couple dozen steps lead me towards the large Victorian styled walls at the end of our schools east wing. I entered the passage looking around for my target and caught him just a few meters away from me exiting the bathroom.

"Hey! Shaw! Wait up!" I called out as I sprinted up behind him, stopping he turned around and raised an eyebrow at the sight of me.

"What?" He asked as soon as I was within arms reach.

"Uhm...sup?" I really should have thought this through.

"That's all Semel? You're making me late for my afternoon class so you can say 'sup'? Or are you trying to land me another detention?" Yikes, almost forgot about that. Strike One.

"No it's just, are we cool?"

"We weren't cool before, we're nothing, why are you asking?" And yikes x2. Strike two.

"I feel guilty okay, didn't mean for that to happen." I held out my fist in hopes of him returning the universal male gesture for 'We good bro' known as the 'fist bump'.

"Yeah, you said that, and I already said what I had to say, now piss off." And with that, he turned around and walled off, again. Strike three.

'Why am I doing this to myself' I pondered internally, running a hand throw my knotted curls. 'Gosh, this is gonna be a long week.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like hearing what you think c:


	4. 3rd.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short set up chapter is short

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Edward are Friendship Goals.

The following few days roll by with the normal uncharacteristic blasé of any school year. Only having one class with both, I haven't run into neither Lily nor Damion and, perhaps for the better, I haven't found the same pants-less, nameless boy from the showers and I have still yet to receive some form of complaint of physical damage from the genderless person I tumbled over into that day in the hallways that may or may not be a nearly headless spectrum.

Stretched over the narrow expanse of my bed, I stare at the worn down, defaced wooden panels before me. The room is dimly lit, a single bulb in the center of the ceiling substituting the setting sun. The blanket below me still smells of powder and laundry detergent and I dig my face into the royal purple fabric, exhaling slowly, savouring the smell of the home I do not belong to before it fades away to be replaced by the musky sent that inhibits most of the male dorms.

I roll over my bunk bed, staring at nothing in particular as my roommates blasted music from a phone speaker on the other corner of the dorm room. A few beats pass and a dark figure approaches me. Before I can contemplate lawsuits from the underworld and whether ghoul courtrooms reason in English flesh and blood organised in a human body plop down in the bunk in front of me as gracefully as an apple falling from a tree.

" 'Sup, Jay?" The familiar voice chirps at me, thin pink lips tugged up by the corners of his face, fattening his already chubby cheeks.

"I still can't accept that nickname, Edward." Green eyes are hidden behind copper coloured lids for a split second as an unimpressed grimace falls over his messy features.

"You know, I'd think my best friend would be happier to see me, I mean we only spent the summer away from each other, but no, nope, you Sir Evan 'Jay' Semel will forever remain King Killjoy."

"But why Jay though? You could cal me Ev, or Van, maybe E. In fact I don't even need a nickname, my name is literally two syllables Eh-Van. It's not very hard Edward, even I call you by your full name most of the time.

He ran a hand over his the minute curls of this grown out buzz cut in obvious exasperation. His hair ruffles a bit, such a unique shade of brown it almost appears burgundy.

"I'm not calling you Ev, that's weird and stupid and I don't know why anyone calls you that, plus I'm your best friend and I get to do special things, like nicknaming you off of your middle name. Why do we have this conversation every year I don't know."

"I mean you could call me S, Sem, Mel, Semmy, anything off of my last name but no lets go for the middle, let's be different."

"Long live Prince Pissy and the Staff he has lodged up his arsehole."

"But why would a Prince be pissy? Princes are rich they aren't pissy. Your analogies lack backing." It's then that his long brown lashes narrow.

"You are the darkness in my life." He says simply. I roll onto my back, left hand slung dramatically over my face and right hand clutching over my heart through the white cotton fabric of my t-shirt.

"I'm wounded by your words. Prince Pissy dies here, falling to the ground from a surprise act of treason from his royal guard dog slash self-proclaimed best friend. Oh the humanity! Where did he even get the knife?"

A poorly concealed smile tugs on Ed's face; he shakes his head in a breathy chuckle. "I used the one lodged in your arse Sire Sarcasms."

"Hmm, you'd think I'd notice."

"Eh, another one bites the dust." He shrugs, smile still every present. "And what do you mean self-proclaimed best friend? As if you have anyone else jerk."

I roll my eyes. "I call him a dog and this is what he complains about. I don't know. I'm surrounded by idiots" Insert overly dramatic sigh. "I need to find someone else. Maybe I should locate a Duke of Dickheads that compliments my personality, someone who understands the unique draw of someone of my comedic prestige."

"I don't think anyone else would put up with your shit. Actually, I don't think you can put up with anyone. You put out zero effort into anyone."

I turn over and sit up straight, short legs hanging off the edge of the bed.

"That's not true. I know lots of people. I can replace you in a second, to the left with you!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Damn right I can."

Ed looked to his side, Eyes surveying the room before landing on a boy from our grade. His bowl straight cut black hair stuck in clusters around his light flushed skin as he entered the room. Ed whistles once, beckoning to him. Upon seeing us his eyes widened a bit and his eyebrows moved centimeters upwards. He jogged over the short distance to us prepared to speak when Ed turned to me and asked.

"You know lots of people yeah? Who's this?" A haughty smile grew on his face, dimples popping. The lad next to us opened his mouth but I spoke first.

"That's not fair Ed, you can't ask me to name someone you know I don't know. This game is rigged and I want a refund." I smiled playfully at my partner in crime, sitting beside me, entertaining me as if he knew how bored I was just a few minutes ago. Its always been this way, hes always see the dark clouds that hover over me on my off days, swooping in like gale winds to blow them away.

"I'm in your Social Studies class, Semel." The topic of our discussion finally spoke.

"Ah ha!" Ed laughed.

"Nah, I would notice you then. Ed this doesn't count at least find someone I have more than one class with, yeah?"

"I'm in your Business class too."

"No way would I have noticed you then."

"Wow." Was his only reply as he deadpanned at me, was he not getting this? Did he not catch on?

"Are you sure though?"

"Jay..?" Ed spoke calmly and plainly.

"Maybe you aren't apart of my kingdom then, or like my story. You didn't get written so I'm not supposed to notice you but shhh, I won't let the writers know I talked to you."

"Evan..." Ed spoke up in a warning tone, body stiffening with the rising tension.

"I don't know man, maybe he just blends in the background, like a background character. No! A side character in a show only there for exposition!" I clap my hands together, smiling and bursting into a laugh that soon dies out as I realize I was the only one that got it. I expectantly look to Ed whose sad eyes are avoiding mine.

"You know I was there when you blasted out on Shaw. Always thought you were a stuck up bastard but that just proved you were a bitch. But this, experiencing it first hand," he chuckled without an ounce of humour, ", you really are a piece of shit."

He shook his head before walking out the classroom, leaving me staring at the empty space he once stood. His outburst caught the attention of the few other boys in the room, who stared on at us, not hiding their harsh remarks. A few strained seconds passed before either Ed or myself spoke.

"Evan," He said slowly and calmly and I did not want to hear it. I shot up from the bed, turning and leaving the room, slamming the door behind me.

Before I could even walk down the hallway and unto the stairs I heard footsteps and breathless pants running up to me.

"Evan!" Ed called out as I picked up pace.

"Jay, wait!" He screamed at me once he grabbed a hold of my hand.

"I was joking!" I screamed turning around, my voice broke slightly and I felt my eyes sting.

"I know okay. I know you. I know you're like that. But sometimes other people cant get it okay. Other people, people who don't know you, they can't tell you joking all the time. They can't get you jokes."

He put his hands on both of my shoulders, a comforting smile on his face as he looked down at me and I stared at the socks on his feet.

"But , it was obvious, I thought it was obvious, I thought it was funny," I looked up into his dilated pupils "Ed...why didn't he think I was funny. You did that to help me make a friend right. He was supposed to laugh and tell me his name was Samuel even though I knew already. And then we'd laugh. You said people warm up to you when you make them laugh. Did you lie? Am I not funny?"

He looked around quickly before pulling me into a hug. "You are funny Jay, you're funny and a whole lot more." He whispered.

"No I'm not! I'm a f*cking jerk! I'm a piece of shit. That's the second time someone called me that this week you know? I'm a friendless pissy piece of shit." For some reason I wasn't going to admit Ed's shirt was getting wet. Condensation maybe.

"No you're not. You have me, You've had me since we were in the village okay Eve, That's ten years right? So I know you better than anyone." He smiled then, a glowing smile like the sun peaking from behind a cloud warm and knowing. "Plus some people don't understand the unique draw of someone of your comedic prestige."

He smiled but all I felt were drops of rain.

"I'm going to go for a walk okay?" My eyes trace the salty water stains on his blue shirt. "I'm gonna enjoy the last evening without study hall and such. Breeze out and calm down a bit."

"But you aren't wearing shoes Eve"

"I won't go outside yeah? I'll just walk around the building and maybe use the bathroom"

He looked reluctant but let go a pause later. "A'right Jay, I'll go back to my dorm for the night then. I'll see you."

Without a reply I strode off, wandering aimlessly. If anyone came to asked me how I ended up in some random bathroom across the sports pitch curled up in a bathroom stall I wouldn't be able to tell them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Evan :(


	5. 4th.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get tissues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Graphic discription of a Panic Attack, an Emotional Break Down and Hyperventilating

It's dark. Or at least it was dark. When I wondered in this unsanitary abandoned building I could not identify a single object around me. I even blinked twice to ensure my eyes weren't just closed. My body felt enveloped by the chilly, shadowy clutches of some personification of darkness. Stepping tentatively, my bare feet glided over moist tiles as my outstretched arms felt around until they met with ice cold hardness. Having nowhere else to saunter to, and being proper exhausted from trekking around the school grounds like a lonely ghost (and feeling just as dead and forgotten), I braced my back against the concrete wall, sliding down into a sitting position. With my legs against my chest arms wrapped around my knees I buried my still wet face into my arms.

Time passed, maybe a few minutes, maybe an hour, I may even have fallen asleep. The school might have even been on fire, heck the world may have ended, but right now as the parched night breeze swam through my recently flushed air channels, and the cold sweat crawled down my chest caused my shirt to cling to my skin, an as my body heated the concrete wall behind me, I could not give a single flying f*ck about anything in this godforsaken universe. F*ck if I'm being dramatic.

Because I'm allowed to, we are all allowed to have the world end for us individually a million times over, whether it be from a break up, or a failed test, or even hitting our little toe against the coffee table. We can cry and sulk and scream and curse and ruin friendships and maybe even ruin ourselves as long as we can pick up the pieces in the morning. As long as we can rebuild of lives, let the last tear fall before we raise our heads on high, puff our chest and grit u teeth and bravely face the next apocalypse we'll me aright.

"Right, Mom?" I say to no one in particular, in a hoarse, hushed tone. Only the stalls in the corners and the pipes to the exact opposite of them and the hand drier and the collage of tiles on the ground can hear me, and I'm sure even they wouldn't want maternal obligation to a lowlife like me. Maybe the trashcan would, or the toilets, we have much in common.

And if my version of or the universe collapsing is from a reminder that I'm a rubbish human being, or a person full of shit who can't even interact with their peers, much less their own species without pissing them off or ruining their day or withering flowers with their own presence then to hell with it. I'll wallow in self-pity and hang my head like the branches of weeping willow as long as I need to. I'll do all those things before I can pick myself up with the prospect of unintentionally pissing on someone else's day.

By now my eyes have adjusted and I can marginally perceive the frail glow of white tiles as the silvery lunar glimmer faintly illuminates my immediate surroundings. By the way the hair on my neck and chest are standing, how the goose bumps on my arms have risen and swollen and the mere fact that every breeze that whispers against my skin sends me into a shivering fit it's obvious that pajamas are not the correct attire for nigh time adventures. It's good however; I can feel ice forming on my bones and frost biting my nose. I can't feel my ears or my fingers and toes, it hurts, but the pain is good, satisfying even. And I'll take it as a punishment for my actions. My hair might be frozen together and I might still be exaggerating but I'll hold onto my petty feeling and my unjustifiable insecurities in this dark, desolate bathroom that feels more like a sunken ship, or a freezing ocean than a building. And I won't let go.

And if I feel like I want to die then maybe I just do.

Then the door languidly pushes forward, opening to reveal the silhouette of a figure, humanoid in form. It turns what I assume to be its head towards me before closing the door, and approaching step by step as the sound of their shoes echoes off of the walls and resonates through the room. The being was obscure, chimerical in form, enigmatic and downright terrifying and okay. I take that back. I really don't want to die.

Seconds later, as the moonlight hits said apparition I almost felt relief after realizing the figure was in fact human. Almost, that is. Because now, having finally crossed the room towering over me is Damion Shaw and I cannot possibly feel relieved because I'm about sixty per cent sure my life is still in danger.

Damion though, just stands there, looking down at me, face expressionless, glasses present, ponytail absent and hair untidy. And I sit, looking up to him through now damp curls, face hopefully nonchalant but defiantly not, body trembling, fear present, shoes absent. The way the dim light showers his face hardens him and the atmosphere make him look irksome. If I wasn't worried about bodily harm I'd liken him to an Egyptian statue. But there's a time and place for everything and midnight in unused community bathroom is not exactly the time or place for this.

It's cold, it's cold and I'm suddenly hyper aware that we are alone. Alone on the other side of the school playing field, locked up in a room no one uses, and I'm curled into myself directly in front of someone who obviously hates my guts and this most definitely cannot end well.

"There you are," he says before licking his lips and combing his fingers through his hair, un-knotting a few curls in the process. "'Been looking everywhere for you." He chuckles, forced and nervously. "Even asked Williams, he just said you ran off somewhere."

And what?

Maybe it's fact that my eyebrows are now knitted together so fiercely I probably look like I have a uni-brow, or that my jaw is hanging agape somewhere between my legs but something tips Damion off that I'm wondering what the hell he's going on about. So he speaks.

"Listen, Sam talked to me alright." And oh no, my entire mood shifts, cold swirls in my body as my gaze moves from his face to my lap, not being able to face his eyes or his pending judgement.

"God, don't look like that Evan, your making me feel like an ass." was not what I expected to hear from him.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean...Sam told me what he said to you, was laughing about it actually." He sighs. "That wasn't right, I wasn't right, I was pissed off and ranting and that wasn't right." His fingers threaded through his hair once more before nesting there and he grunted in frustration. "I was just pissed that you acted so weak and yielding, it was pathetic and," frustrated grunt number two. "I didn't mean to say that like that, I've been acting like a complete dick."

"What the hell are you going on about Shaw?" I ask, but the hoarseness is still present in my voice, theses a bit of confusion mixed in there as well, or a lot of it actually.

Damion's eyes narrow, his noses scrunches and his lips pull back into a sneer.

"Listen here you little shit." His voice is low and harsh, dripping over me, full of venom, but also full of annoyance and exasperation. "Uggh! I'm trying to be the nice guy and apologise to you! Walked all over the freaking school in the dead of night, cold as shit 'cuz I felt goddamn guilty! Accept my apology dammit! So I can go back to pretending you don't-"

He's cut off from finishing his line by the sound of the door crashing against the bathroom wall. It echoes like a gunshot and suddenly everything freezes. A light shines on us then, on him specifically. He's turned into a silhouette once more, the frame of his body cast a shadow over me, shielding me from the light. There's a silver lining around his outline, glowing golden, it's almost poetic. But Christ are we in trouble.

Damion turns his head towards the light, holding his right hand up above his bewildered eyes to shield them from the bright luminescence. But he doesn't move from before me.

"What the heck is going on in here?" a familiar voice question and Christ we are in so much goddamn trouble.

"Yuri, this is the male bathroom. Get out."

"And I'm the prefect on duty! I'm on patrol since its passed curfew so I have the right to be anywhere I please. You however do not. I'll give you the chance to make up an excuse before I drag you to a teacher, however." Lily-Ann's voice booms through the room exuberating authority and demanding respect. Damion's blocking me but I can already picture her eyes fiery, her feet firmly planted in place and her hand on her hip in her trademark way.

"I'm taking a piss that's what I'm doing."

"The urinals are over here, Shaw."

"Your point?" Damion replies haughtily and no. I'm not getting into any more trouble than I have to, so I get up and swerve passed him and into the light in time to see Lily-Ann rolling her eyes, obviously annoyed. The second she catches sight her eyelids expand into saucers, momentarily before flickering between Damion and I multiple times. Her facial features form into what can only be disgust and contempt. "Is that what's going on in here." She questions incredulously.

"Fucking idiot." Damion sighs beside me as I walked in front of him. So I whip around to face him, anger boiling. "I'm not getting into more trouble by pissing her of Shaw. Let's just do what she says and get it over with." I plead. Turning back to fake smile present, ready to charm my way out of whatever this is. But Lily-Ann just stares. Eyebrows wrinkled together, mouth open in a silent question. I hold my hand up to smooth things over and just as I'm about to start my excuses she breathes of a quiet "Holy shit."

Before I can even ask, she just covers her face with her free hand and begins ranting.

"Are you guys stupid, on school compound? Dammit I can't even give you a detention for this. You are going to be expelled. You're getting goddamn expelled for this." She removes her hand from her face and looks me dead in the eye. "Was it really worth it? Couldn't wait to go home huh? Gosh you're so stupid, I thought you were better than this Evam Semel I really did."

"What are you talking about?" I'm confused, and hysteric and frankly scared because Lily-Ann looks so mad and embarrassed and utterly disappointed that I want to curl in on myself I'm not even sure what we've done. The way she's shouting makes me want to cry, it's like when a mother scolds her child and I feel pathetic without knowing why. Why isn't Damion helping?

"You know what I'm on about. Shaw's probably been having sex in here for years without getting caught but, damn, you're both guys! If I turn a blind eye to this and it gets out I could lose my position. What the hell were you even thinking?"

Wait what...

"We weren't having sex! Why would you even think that?"

"Then why were you on your knees in front of him?"

"That's not what you think-"

"And why is there blood on the back of your pants? Couldn't find lube? Couldn't wait?"

The second she utters those words time freezes. The air in my lungs stills. I can't even bring myself to breathe. Every time I try to inhale or exhale my body shakes and a scream threatens to leave my lips. But I can't scream, I can't talk, I can't move. I no longer feel present in the room as Lily-Ann's voice gets softer and softer, as if someone is muting the sounds around me, and the light around me gets dimmer. Its dark again, it's dark and cold and I don't know where I am anymore.

"You're both going to be expelled..."

This can't be happening. Four years cannot go to waste like this. Four years of keeping my friends to a minimum and pushing people away in order to keep my secret at bay. Four years of waking up at ungodly bloody hours of the morning to keep up a front. Four years of finding secret hiding places and stealth-ing around campus cannot come to an end like this. No, not four years of this crippling loneliness, my only true companion being Ed. "How could you be so stupid."

Ed.

"It's not what you think."

Yeah Ed.

Eddie.

Eddie will come help me as always. He'll be there. He'll explain. Maybe one person might know but Ed will smooth it out. He always does. I just need to breathe. I just need to breathe and Eddie will come help me. Just breathe Evan, and open your mouth and explain.

"Evan...Are you okay?"

That's Lily-Ann's voice right? She sounds so far away. Am I okay? Am I breathing? I think I'm breathing. I'm breathing but none of its going to my lungs. I can't breathe. I'm panting and breathing deeply and wheezing and nothing happening. I'm breathing through my mouth and it's not helping. It's not reaching my lungs, something blocking it.

I'm so dizzy, so dizzy and so confused. I can't see, I can't feel anything except my heart. It's beating so fast, its fluctuating uncontrollably and it's scaring me. I can't stop it, I can't breathe and I can't calm down and I can't stop the hot tears from gushing down my face or even wipe them away because even when I will them to my hands won't move. I want to run away but there's nowhere to go, everything's closing in on me and I'm couching. I'm trapped. All the blood is leaving my limbs and my head and I feel so numb. I feel like I'm drowning, every breath is destroying me, I'm dying, I'm going to die but don't want to.

"Oh my God Evan!" Who's that? It's so dark I can't even tell. I can't even hear them. Why is it so cold? Fuck it's so cold. I think I'm on the ground but I can't move. My chest hurts. It hurts so much its burning. My throat is so dry. It hurts. Why can't I breathe? Is somebody strangling me?

"F*ck!" Someone's cursing over me. Did I do something again? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I won't do it again please stop. I won't get involved with people. I'll keep to myself, so please stop hurting me. I can't breathe. I don't want to die. Dad I don't want to. Stop Please I can't breathe. Please help. Help me I can't breathe.

"Evan answers me!" That voice, it's so soft. Mommy? Is that you? Mommy why are you crying. I'm okay; I'll be okay if you stop crying. Just get Eddie and he'll help. I'll be okay doing worry.


	6. 5th.

I awoke with a start, entire body jolting forwards. Normally such a mistake would lead to my head connecting with the underside of the bunk above me, (both startling my roommates and also sending them into fits of laughter, the bastards). But the pain never comes. In my daze I instead feel the dull aching soreness of my muscles as they stretch and the sour taste in my mouth.

Slowly I rub my watery eyes, blinking rabidly so they adjust to their surroundings. More so to calm myself down and grasp reality I begin to identify and catalogue everything around me. I'm in a single bed clothed in magenta sheets, there are two doors, a desk with stacks of books and the chair that belongs in front of said desk is keeping me company beside this bed. Eyes drifting about, I can feel my brain sizzling, thinking, because I have no Idea why I'm here. 

 

Did I have a one night stand of something? Because that would be awkward for multiple reasons.

Not knowing what to do I sit with my legs crossed, questions bouncing about the walls of my mind, 'Why am I here? How did I get here? Why does this room smell like medicine and roses? Like antiseptic and lilies. Like rubbing alcohol and lavender. It's like I'm in a hospital with a botanical garden.

A few minutes later the knob on the door facing me starts to turn and my body tenses. And I really need to stop hanging around Perez and Jonathon when they sneak weed on campus because holy f*ck. I'm 96 percent sure a damn angel entered the room. So that's what this is. I died, I f*cking died, a virgin no less.

Funny I always thought I'd go to hell, Father even told me last summer that with all the sins he's committed some ought to have carried over to me. But here's an Angle, staring wide eyed at me as if she's seeing me for the first in years. She's standing (Or floating, I can't see her feet) at the very edge of the room, I'm still so dazed I can't make out her features, but as she waltz closer to me her long sleek coal black hair shimmering, her skin pale in the weak light and her beautiful midnight black eyes glitter with tears, I finally recognize her. Nostalgia washes over me and my eyes sting just the slightest.

"Oh, Evan I was so worried!" And oh, wait, that's Lily's voice. Seeing her run and jump towards me triggers a flash of memories. The cold tiles, the harsh words, the boy...

She slings her hand around me and envelops me into her embrace, and maybe this isn't a real Angel, maybe this is a discount Angel, a Walmart angel, but Lily-Ann Yuri, in her white prefects uniform is an Angel non-the-less.

"We're sorry Evan. Shaw and I are so sorry. We didn't know, I didn't know. I'm sorry Ev." She sounds hysterical and ...guilty..? I couldn't help but wrap my arms around her in return (Because seriously when will I ever get this chance again? Small blessings.)

"What are you even talking about Lily?" I flinch as she lets me go, feeling the upcoming tremors of a headache. She sits in the chair beside me but her eyes never reach mine, instead they wander around the patterns on the sheets.

"I didn't know about... but I didn't know about you being...," She bit her cherry lips, as I sat impatiently. "..Edward told us." And oh?

"Oh."

"He said he didn't feel right but he had to stop us from taking you to the nurse."

"Oh."

"He's really sorry, He stayed with both of us to watch over you, but he had to leave, made up an alibi for you and had to go to practice a few hours ago.."

"Oh."

"Evan please, jus-just talk to me, okay? I feel so guilty and I don't know what to say."

"There isn't really much I can say Lily-Ann. Ed apparently told you everything."

The guilt and hurt wash over her face then, schooling her features into a sad, disappointed frown. I can't help but feel guilty. People as strong as and as she is, people as pretty as her, shouldn't frown. I let out a long lengthy sigh as I bring my palms to my face, almost hiding. Maybe if I can't see the problems they'll go away. Maybe that will wake me up from this nightmare. A few inconsistent heart beats pass before she speaks again.

"Am I getting your pronouns wrong?" Her voice is almost a whisper. "I'll change whatever to make you more comfortable.

"Technically I have no pronouns. At least to me..." I reply, lifting my head from my arms to look her in the eyes, pining her with a stare I hope says 'I really don't want to talk about this'.

"What... What does that mean..?" She asks, speaking slowly, uncertain.

"I don't identify as anything. S'long as you can pronounce my name its good. Call me that."

"I don't understand Ev, I'm really sorry but, Help me. I don't want to rely on what Edward said, I want-I want you to tell me what it means." She takes a deep breath. "To be this, I mean who you are, a-an intersex?"

Well, there it is.

"Now I kinda wish Ed told you everything, then I would have any explaining to do" I chuckle without a pint of hummer. She remains silent so I'm forced to continue.

"I'm not a boy."

"I know, well-I know now at least." she says weakly

"And I'm not a girl either." At that she seems startled, looking at me with questioning confused eyes. "But-the blood, and Edward said you had a..." She stuttered speedily and nope.

"Okay, okay, stop. I don't care what Ed said, I'm in-between. I don't fit your binary, I'm afraid."

She's silent for a few seconds, contemplative. Then she raised her hand and gripped mine, opal eyes glossed with the utmost sincerity as her grip tightens.

"I'm sorry, so, so so, sorry for triggering your panic attack. I wish I knew, I wish I knew so I wouldn't have had seen you go through that...If..." Her voice breaks then, as she lowers her head and her bangs cover half her face, restrict me from seeing her full expression. "If anything happened to you Evan, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. I was scared, Damion was scared. We had no idea what to do."

Swallowing slowly, I squeeze her hand and asked, "How much did you see?"

"Enough," She sobbed. "Enough and too much, you were hyperventilating on the floor. Damion had to flip you over on you bacl and you were crying so I held you head in my lap and tried talking to you to calm you down while Damion ran around like he lost his mind. We almost brought you to the Dorm Keepers even though we knew we'd get punished, but two minutes in you started shouting for Ed. Then Damion ran to the dorms to get him, but when he left I was so scared you were going to die in my lap Ev, so f*cking scared. And then you kept...you kept saying..."

She's full out crying at this point, so I bring my arms up to wipe my shirtsleeves under her eyes, drying the salted tears.

"Then Edward came, he broke down the second he saw you, but he was so calm, he was crying but he came over and the second you heard his voice you stopped. He talked to you 'till you passed out, then he asked if we had anywhere to let you sleep it off-"

"Where am I anyway?" I had to cut her off, she was speaking so fast and panting in between sentences. It must have genuinely terrified her. I can't bring myself to have her relive it anymore, ironic as it is. I keep people locked out so they're safe from my break downs. This probably wasn't even the worst one yet, though close. But the cats out of the bag now and I don't even know how much Ed told them, or how I should proceed.

"My room." She hiccups. "Prefects get their own dorms so this was the only place we could bring you without anyone noticing.

And suddenly it all kind of makes sense, the room is proper clean, neat and tidy. Sweet and feminine and pretty, like the dainty flower I feel Lily-Ann is under her authority demanding exterior. That would even explain the flower scent, but there's still...

"Why does it smell like a hospital in here then?" I bring my gaze back to Lily, who by now has stopped bawling.

"Shaw-Damion, he... was trying to take care of you, he...purposely got in a fight so he could get into the nurses office and steal pain killers and a whole bunch of other stuff...he had no Idea what he was doing." She giggled a bit, the air was getting lighter. Not allowing the implications of her previous statement to sink in. I looked around to avoid looking at her. Suddenly I notice I'm wearing a grey sweater one size too big, which makes doesn't add up because I was wearing a white shirt want I?

"Who's shirt is this!? Why am I wearing another shirt!?" I ask frantically, feeling exposed.

"Had to give you a new shirt, Ed got it I think." She says with a renewed nonchalance like the fact that someone removed my clothes while I was sleeping was a trivial matter, which, well compared to everything that has happened it really is, but still!

"Wha-Why would you do that!?" I squealed (In the most un-humiliating way possible, a very adult squeal.)

"You where sweating! It was dirty anyway, Damion messed it up trying to dash rubbing alcohol on you when he found out her couldn't give you medz, and honey, and some boiled bush concoction. He's a real country man." I ignore the pinch in my heart every time Damion's reaction to anxiety attack. I was weak, I was weak and vulnerable in front of another male and that always meant I'd be teased relentlessly for it...So why didn't he do it? Why wasn't he here when I woke up just to tell me how much of a p*ssy I looked like on the floor crying for death.

"Where is he then?" I can't stop myself from asking. "Shaw, I mean, you talk about him like he was here taking care of me, but he isn't here now." I can't help the drop of hurt that escapes my voice at that.

"He left after Ed walking in on him giving you a bath, Ed was furious, he even turned red. Shout at us for violating you he did, but you were starting to smell, so I turned away and let Damion take care of you. Ed didn't take kindly to it though."

I've been holding my breath since she said 'bath' I stare at Lily for another second before cradling my head in my arms and letting out a loud mortified scream. (A humiliatingly high scream, not very adult.)

"Why would you do that?! How could you do that!? How much did he see!? Oh my gosh I feel so violated!"

"It wasn't that much, he just wet a rag and dragged it over you. Just tried to tidy you. Ed walked in a 'lil after that, then told us off, told us not to touch you less you wake up like that then stormed off, got a top, kicked us out and took care of you himself." And oh God no. "Then Damion left and said he didn't wanna be there when you woke up."

"Ouch." I whisper, calmed knowing that it was really Eddie who took care of me as per usual but vaguely hurt. Thankfully the rooms mood has changed to some degree.

"No Ev, not like that. He feels guilty. He feels like it was his fault. And I feel like it was my fault."

" 't's both of you faults." I chuckle mildly which caused the sadness to accumulate back in Lily's eyes once more.

"I kid." I hold my hands up defensively, flashing a weak smile. She simply shakes her head.

"You just don't know how it looked," 'And you don't know how it felt' the reply is on the tip of my tongue but I hold it in. "When Ed picked you up it looked like he was so used to it." 'He should be by now' "Like he did this every Friday night" 'Well not every Friday...'

"Sorry for scaring you like that, but I feel better already!" I flash an even bigger, brighter smile this time. I'm tired of this conversation and I really just want to find Ed, cuss him out, then sleep.

But then Lily's eyes soften impossibly more, her hands find mine once more and she squeezes it tightly. At this I can feel my skin tingle, a warmth surrounds me as she asks, "Ev, are you sure?" which makes me smile. "You know, you're smothering me like a mother now Yuri, I almost feel loved" I tease, and maybe that might not have been my smoothest moment, but she smiles shyly at my words. So I decided to take the risk.

Treading my fingers between the hand she grasped mine with I bring my right hand up, sliding her hair behind her ear and gently grasping her cheek with my palm. She leans into the touch ever so slightly, blinking slowly.

"I promise I'm okay." I breath, smile tugging at the corner of my lips. "Now let me leave, gotta get to my dorms so I can get some homework done. Can't leave them all for tomorrow. Especially Mr Pattinson's."

She looks at me puzzled. "Mr Patinson's essays are due tomorrow"

"What?!"

"You slept through all of Saturday now. It's all most time for Sunday supper.

"FUCK!"  
***  
Five assignments, four cups of coffee and three headaches later it's two in the morning and I only have one damn left to give.

And sadly I'm going to have to spend that 'damn' forcing my still soapy, barely dry self out of the showers. Truthfully I can't even be upset right now. By the grace of faith, hell maybe even plain good luck, I've somehow managed to have my secret revealed without being sent on my ass out of this academy.

(Maybe it was the grace of Morgan Freeman. Bless him.)

I might be foolish to be bask in relief, the same way I'm currently basking in the cool downpour of water as it runs down my still sweaty body (When was the last time I had a proper shower? Friday? It's Monday now. Disgusting.) Maybe I am too calm over the fact that my dorm mates still know me as 'Evan'. And if my nonchalance in previous areas is any prophecy of future events then I might be screwed.

But I'm safe. I feel safe. My associates still call me 'Ev' and I'm still allowed in the male dormitories and I'm not in the Ms. Malcolm's office explaining my life's story, or justifying my probably criminal offence to six hypocritical officers, or facing the judgment of violent mob, armed with stones and fire chanting slurs.

Unfortunately, there are several facts stopping me from pouring eight shots of Smirnoff and downing them like tomorrow doesn't exist while dancing to some random EDM song, those being; 1) Tomorrow does in fact exist (Who knew?), 2) That drinking shit could kill me and 3) Damion and Lily know the truth and could possibly ruin my life.

Oh, and also the shower beside mine just started running. Great.

So if my Fight-or-Flight Response triggered at the sound of the pipe turning caused me to bolt out of that shower like a Jamaican track star in record time (nine point nine seconds, so close), nobody has to know. Forget finishing my morning routine, or having common sense, or proper use of a towel, I'll just air dry or something.

So naturally it is during my Ten A.M Accounting class that I realize how utterly unnecessary my actions were I scribble a subtle 'fml' at the corner of my notebook.

I sighed, Edward might be able to feel my embarrassment second hand.

**

"Did you do something stupid today, Jay?"

"What? N-No. Why are you asking?"

Edward raised a single eyebrow before taking a bite of his pizza. "I don't know, I was in engineering class and I suddenly had a sick twisted feeling of embarrassment and disappointment and utter shame, felt like you must have been the source."

Sitting on the grass, opposite us Jonathon laughed aloud, giving us an unwanted view of his lunch, Pete sat beside him seemingly shrouded in the words of his new book (something about some girl who got sent to prison, I never truly listen when he speaks of literature) while Joseph laid spread out like a starfish a few inches away. The only indication that they were both listening was the soft smile that graced their faces as Ed and I bantered.

"He probably tried to tell a joke again." Perez joined, head leaning against the trunk of the tree we used to shade us from the suns UV rays. His lips pulling into a superior smirk and oh, I forgot he was here. Oops.

"Hi Pez, didn't see you there, thought you were a birds nest, you know, 'cuz of your stupid freaking hair style. My bad."

The smile whipped clean off his features as Joseph rolled over on his stomach, Jonathon's voice roared like an ambulance. "OOOHH, Wre you gonna take that brev? I'd never take that on a Monday." Even Pete seemed to be amused, biting his lips to hide his laugh, soon resorting to hiding his face in his book to spare his brothers feelings. "A Monday afternoon to make it worst" Ed laughed from beside me.

"Are you guys serious? It wasn't even that funny, geez." Perez defended, ears reddening. "Screw you Ev, pretty sure my hair better than your knotted curls, you look like you didn't even comb it this morning."

"Yes, your hair style is so much better, what do you call that look? I can suggest names 'Super Saiyan?' 'the young and the rest-nest', or were you trying to be The Weeknd, maybe?"

"My mom still listens to that guy" Jonathon mused between breathless chuckles.

"F-Off 'Curls Gone Wild' and find a goddamn barber while you're at it." I actually laughed at that, the entire group was filled with sudden barks of random phrases.

"Well, you need to fire yours. He ain't treating you right if he let you leave his shop like that."

"What's that white stuff in your hair, Evan?" Perez said gesturing to a clump of curls at the side of my head. On impulse grabbed the general area, revealing a cluster of dried soap. " S'that c*m? Your boyfriend missed your face fairy?" He's going to regret that.

"Nah, it was your mom, missed her face by a long shot." I felt a stab of back lashed guilt at the look on Pez's face while Pete whined, "Heyyy, that's my mom too!" through good nature chuckles,

At that moment Ed started using his hands a makeshift scissors, he sat behind me making snipping gestures at my hair. "Okay son what do you want?" He said in an incredibly fake gruff voice that I assumed was his imitation of a barber.

"You know Angelica's doll Cynthia from Rugrats?"

"Say no more!" He laughed before shoving his hands in my hair, pretending to style it all of us laughing hysterically at this point, even Perez. Though a stink in my chest tells me I should probably apologize, he'll probably understand, this is an everyday thing anyway. It's alright, of course it's alright.

A few minutes later we're all walking to our classes about to separate since Jo, Pez and Pete have some Chemistry and Environmental Studies respectively.We had just passed Lily-Ann suspiciously turning a corner with a prefect who's name I think was Nubia when Jonathon stopped. He was looking in the direction of the courtyard, his eyes narrowed. "Huh? Never seen that guy before, he seems good with the girl though." He said, in unison the rest of us turned the direction of which he looked.

Sitting at one of the picnic tables were four girls, their burgundy plaid shirts pulled up slightly, revealing more skin though hidden behind a thin veal of white stockings clinging to their legs. Their vests were loose, buttons pulled in subtlety but almost blatantly revealing a marginal amount of cleavage, their intentions were clear. The center of their attention was focused on a fragile, rose ivory lad, eyes seemingly reflecting the skies, cheeks aflame as the girls pointed and gushed over whatever he had on the sketchpad he held in his hands, clapping and laughing every time he spoke as if he was a puppy that just did a clever trick.

He seemed to stutter and blush a lot with his noon eyes shifting between the ground and his hand, never meeting the hungry gazes of the vixens. It was uncomfortable to watch, maybe because the boy himself seemed uncomfortable, shying away from each touch, maybe it was the way they touched him, a bit forceful in shallow seduction, though probably it was the fact that I've seen him before.

"What's he doing here?" I said out loud unintentionally.

"Huh, Eve, you know him?" Edward asked, turning his attention to me.

"Uhm, No I don't, first time seeing the kid."

"He's not a kid though," Pete spoke, "He's our age, he's in my lit class"

"But those are year four girls. I know one of them, Mary, don't you remember? She got suspended for getting fooling around in an empty classroom with Damion Shaw a year ago. It was the talk of the school." Joseph pitched in.

The others hummed solemnly as if to affirm that they did in fact remember (Or were pretending to, like me). Perez though, squint his eyes in concentration. "I don't like the look of him. He's not responding to the girls like a normal guy." Not in the mood to continue we moved along Perez starting a new topic, "Damion though, eh? Freaking Legend."

**

"Ev, come by my dorm this evening, I wanna talk to you about...you know." Ed barely whispered in my ear, walking me in the direction of the exit the second he got out of class.

"Nope." Jon's familiar voice chirped as he swung his arm around my shoulder. "Sorry brev, the squad has detention today." He said looking the appalled look on my face.

"YOU GOT A DETENTION!" He screamed. All I could manage was a sheepish laugh, rubbing the back of my head while staring at the ground.

By the time we explained the situation to Ed the rest of the gang had joined us on our way to the designated detention room, pitching in to add their own experiences.

"She was being a bitch and I called her out for it. I regret noting."

"Yeah but I regret everything."

"This is why you should hang around new people Jay, should have never let you in bad company."

"Ev is bad company!" was shouted just as loud and indignantly as "I didn't even do anything!"

"He's your brother, twin brother even, so its half your fault. You're guilty by relation"

"I can't believe I'm missing practice for this. Coach is going to torture me."

"Ed, miss practice, or do something to get a detention so it won't look so bad for Jo."

"Hell no, I need to play ball. Have you seen our coach?" Ed

"Don't say that man, say it out; you're playing Football, saying it the way you said it makes the word sound gay." Perez said with distaste.

"That's it I'm going. Have fun in jail. I'll write you. Don't drop the soap, or whatever." Ed replied annoyed before breaking off from the group as we approached the detention room.

When we entered the poorly lit, poorly ventilated, poorly maintained reject of a classroom I realized that we were surrounded by a sizable amount of male students only. Surveying for a seat I spotted a cloaked figure in the dark burgundy fabric of the official school jacket. The hood was covering his head while a trio sitting in the back threw paper balls at him. Feeling a strong wave of pity strike me at the site of his seemingly lifeless slouch I sat down beside him, Pez, Jo and Jon following.

A few minutes passed in which the figure to my left did not move, even though the paper storm stopped. They threw a few more paper balls before one missed and got caught in Perez's hair to their detriment and my merriment ("It looks like an egg Pez! It finished your bird nest look!") Soon after that Mr. Pattinson, Damion, Lily-Ann and some unknown very pretty lady walked in, the latter seizing the attention of 95% of the room.

"We have issues to sort out student," Mr Pattinson spoke without sparing us acknowledgment or greetings. As he made himself comfortable at the desk at the front of the class, the anonymous woman stayed standing. "First off let me mark the register to see if everyone Ms Yuri," He said he name in a tensed agitated tone, "wrote down for detention is present. He cleared his throat before speaking once more.

"Adam...Abels?" he said, voice questioning, I laughed aloud, "Who gives their kid a name like 'Adam Abels', sounds downright stupid, am I right?" I mumbled low enough for only those close to me to here, the guys giggle, except for one, one immediately to my left. His body rose and he steadied himself in his and my heart flew up to my throat.

His eyes, though now red and puffed, where the first familiarity I documented as he (Adam apparently) stood, shoulders hunched, grabbing his hoodie from over his head to reveal messy chestnut hair. He's the one from the bathroom, and the court yard, I'd recognize that high voice and those gentle features anywhere already. His cracked lips parted as he spoke hoarsely.

"Present, sir."


	7. 7th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Lost Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Limefart!

Guilt, such a consuming emotion.

The room was congested with the annoying sounds of metal chairs shifting and masculine voices doing anything and everything but whispering. The humidity increased greatly from the presence of so many bodies clustered together in such a small poorly ventilated room. There was absolutely no ambiance in here; I guessed more than discerned. Because despite the fact that my surrounded are filled with chatter, despite the fact that fact that I can actively feel the dryness in the air try to strangle me, and despite the fact that I'm mostly sure this is the ugliest classroom in the entire school, all I could hear and feel and see was guilt.

Mr Pattinson glanced down at his papers before raising his eyes to the current object of my self-hatred once more.

"Mr Abel I'm assuming you are of oriental heritage, you and ?" he asked, raising his silvery eyebrows ever so slightly in question.

"No, Sir" The human guilt trip replied simply, voice significantly more stable than before but still cotton candy soft.

"Oh," Sir started, looking again from the boy back to his list, "Well the school system doesn't have your second given name listed. Please go to the office and finish filling out your form. Now let's continue"

He bends his head to look at his papers properly while the other students quiet down so they can answer to their names when,

"I don't have one."

"Excuse me?"

"I do not have a middle name, Sir." Lanky shoulders rise in a casual yet reluctant shrug. "I've been telling the teachers all morning."

"How is that possible?" Pattinson questions, getting heated over nothing as usual. Though, this was admittedly a curious situation considering the importance of given names in our culture.

 

"I wasn't gifted one at birth." Adam says, or mumbles rather, I can barely hear him and I'm directly beside him. His cheeks heat to a raspberry red as he nervously chews his bottom lip and his eyes, they glisten like stolen diamonds.

It's weird and unsettling the way my emotions, my body, even my bare bones react to this frail boy who looks more like a rabbit cornered by a predator than a student addressing his teacher. Mr Pattinson is still apparently yapping his fort-year-old dentures at the front of the class while Lily-Ann shifts uncomfortably beside him. It's unbearable, the longer Sir speaks the more the guilt and pity stir and bubble in my gut, along with something else, something indefinable.

Behind my desk the group of hooligans begins jeering and laughing whilst the youngster under spotlight condenses in on himself. It feels like too long, it's probably only been ninety seconds but it all feels like too much.

Damion, who up until this point only stared at Adam with a look I could only class as understanding, turns annoyingly at the teacher before opening his mouth.

"It's not that important! Can we just continue already?"

The room everything goes still, even the mere particles in the air seem to freeze as everyone's attention fixes on one specific person. More importantly, I suddenly have the attention of a certain doe eyed individual, mouth still open as if to suck back in those words I hadn't meant to say.

"And you three chill the hell out! You're getting annoying." I growl over my shoulder.

Mr Pattinson looked furious, he only scrawled before going back to the register. "I just need to get this over with already so I can get the hell out of here."

***

High heels clicked against the concrete floor as the woman wearing them gracefully entered the classroom, hips rising and falling with each captivating step. Her eyes drifted over the sullen faces of all the students sulking in their chairs.

"Hello, boys," She smiled sweetly, thick red lips parting to reveal pearly straight teeth. Taylor Swift would sue.

"Good afternoon Ms Munroe" chorused the unenthused response.

"Oh poo," She sulked adorably, "And here I thought you'd be happy, it's your last day of an entire month of detention guys, and you should be celebrating!"

"But that's exactly why we're upset Ma'am, we don't get to spend time with you in the evenings anymore." Malcolm offered from his seat behind me, a few other boys hummed in agreement.

"I'm not too mad. Get to see her in Lit four times a week." Pete boasted with a cheeky grin, earning a slap from me and envious glares from a few other lads. "No wonder you're grades going down, Imma tell mom your hormones're what's causing ya to flunk." His brother threatened

"Oh shush!" Ms Munroe blushed from the front of the room. "I can't wait to get all of you out of my hair before they send me to prison for seducing students of something"

"So you won't miss us?" Both I and Adam said at once, I looked over at him as he gasped a tiny bit and turned to me, eyes bright as a silver lining and smile to match.

"Jinx Evan, you owe me a soda!" He grinned before giving his attention to Ms Munroe. I continued looking however, eyes drifting over the soft pink that dusted his cheeks and the way his raspberry lips still pulled up into a smile. Apparently he caught onto me looking as his ocean eyes fluttered towards me for a second before diverting once again.

I tried to focus as the class laughed at something our detention supervisor said.

"... But of course I'll miss you all; you're the best bloody class I've had, despite being a detention class. Now how 'bout another talent show, for old time sake? Up for it boys?"

"Up for it!" We all shouted as she turned as she went to write on the bored, as per tradition, her name and the date, Thursday September 30th.

***

There are a mere few instances where you'll pass a large group of young boys and find them silent and depressed. This happened to be one of them.

About an hour later the lot of us sulked out the classroom like a football team that just got their asses kicked. I looked up as soon as I left the room, seeing a glimpse of Ms Munroe's retreating image. As I turned to look away a figure pasted me speedily, it was Lily, she turned to me briefly, eyes soft and expression one of deep pity. She waved at be weekly, which I returned, and then she frowned, mouthing the word "sorry" before running of towards Ms Munroe.

"Detention Coordinator? The hell is this?!" Perez shouted, his coffee cream features red hot with anger.

"It's just some made up name 'cuz it's too early in the year and none of the teachers wanna do detention so they shoved all the responsibility on the new teacher, who can't say no." Pete said in reply, his voice was a controlled volume but his tone indicated he was as pissed off as his twin.

"What does she even teach? I've never seen her before!" Joseph joins in.

"Oh shut up Jo, it's your fault we're in this mess anyway, just 'cuz you couldn't keep your eyes in their sockets!" Pez shouts before stomping off.

"My fault?! You little sh-!"

"Calm down man he's just pissed off, if it's any consolation she's my literature teacher, she's cool." Pete says, griping Jo's arms and guiding him away while Jonathon just laughs following behind him. I wish I was as carefree as him.

As I was about to trek after them I noticed a figure shyly watching be from the detention room doorway. Turning I realised it was that boy from earlier, Adam. I nodded to him in greeting at the same time he must have seen something truly interesting on the floor. I waited just a few seconds before walking off again.

"Uh, wait, erm, sir please wait." Called a feeble voice behind me, steps followed before the flustered kid fumbled before me arms outstretched as if to halt me with the power of the force. His skin was pink and his eyes glossy and his hair was sticking to his forehead from sweat even though it wasn't even hot out here.

"I'm waiting." I said simply, feeling guarded all of a sudden.

"I, uh, just wanted to say thank you, for what you did back there, helping me out." His eyes were like looking into the ocean, you saw your reflection, but never anything else, they revealed nothing and everything at the same time. They were too deep.

"No problem," I smiled, "It'd been the right thing to do, you're welcome."

"But you don't understand. I really appreciate it, truly!"

"Then I'm glad I stood up for you. I've gotta go up to the dorms to find my friend though, since I think study hall is finished." I replied fishing for an excuse to leave. His eyes, widened momentarily before he tipped ever so slightly to look over my shoulders. Apparently finding something he recoiled back slowly, hand tucked in front, and eyes distant.

"Yeah, sorry for keeping you, you must be busy with your friends, I'm sorry I'll go."

Intrigued as to what he found behind me I flashed a glance behind me quickly. Standing meters away where the boys who had sat behind us pestering Adam all session. I may be shit at math but I can put two and two together.

"Say, which dorm building do you stay on?" I said quickly, pressing my hand against his shoulders and pushing him to walk swiftly.

"You- eh, uhm, Charley's, I'm on Charley's building."

"Oh, you're upstairs like me? Neat, should have figured since we met in the bathroom, thought you'd be on Harrison's though. I'm Evan by the way, Even Semel." I said as I chanced another look over my shoulder glad to see that the hostile looking set had given up and walked away. "Do you know those guys, Adam?"

"No Evan Semel," He replied, flushed from the forced power walk and maybe something else as we rounded a corner and stopped. "I do not know them, nor do I want to for the matter.

"You can call me Ev you know kid,'s what m' friends call me." I replied winded as well, obviously lacking oxygen in my brain as I didn't notice the implications of what I just said. At that Adam turned to me with a light in his eyes. It was there but distant, as if it was only on the surface. It was like looking as the reflection of the moon on the ripples of a sea surface. It was beautiful, but felt nothing in comparison to what you could actually see.

A smile drew on his feature as he looked up at me and into my eyes for what felt like the first time. "Sure, I'll call you that. " He paused, as if test it out in his head before saying it.

"Nice to meet you, Ev. Properly this time."

Ev. I've almost always hated nicknames, but why is it that when he says it that the words and softness of his voice sound like water trickling down a river on the night of a blue moon.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think? :)


End file.
